Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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