Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
