I accidentally had phone sex last night
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
