You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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