life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
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I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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