dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
