so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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