he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
