my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
