We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
