I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
