hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Randomize
