meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
