just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
