And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
