Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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