it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
