Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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