She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
