I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
