So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
