Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Randomize
