3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
