the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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