did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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