you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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