The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
