i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
