Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
