smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
