my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
