Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
