I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
