NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
