Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
