My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize