I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Randomize
