Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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