Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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