i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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