i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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