I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Terrible idea I love it
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
