sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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