Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We need a shit load of segways right now
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
