look no pants
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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