You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
