that's an acceptable place to lick
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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