Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
