There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
