Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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