Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
