Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
