just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
